This is an older post from 2013, re-posted for the 5th Anniversary of the death of DOMA
In a 5–4 decision on June 26, 2013 the Supreme Court of the United States ruled Section 3 of DOMA to be unconstitutional, declaring it “a deprivation of the liberty of the person protected by the Fifth Amendment” For those of us who are gay and legally married, it was a joyous day- but also a confusing day. It didn’t make marriage legal, but federal discrimination would end for those of us- married- in 13 states in the District of Columbia.
My wife and I are perfect examples of the “state of marriage equality in these United States.” And as a woman who was married in a heterosexual union- I can tell you- there is no difference and yes, even the “gays” bicker over the kids, the laundry and cleaning…I hate to clean.
In our hearts and everyday lives, we have already been together and married for 15 years. We were legally married in Iowa on the day it became law, but we live in Illinois, a state which recognizes civil unions, but not marriage equality. If we were in legal limbo before the fall of DOMA, the confusion becomes worse, after DOMA.
Thinking about a “gay old” road trip these day-has become overwhelming. We are legally married in 13 states and D.C., “civil unionized” in others, including our own, Illinois- and simply illegal and discriminated against in the others. There are thousands of loving, committed adults who are affected, but so are their children, their families and their communities. Marriage makes a difference. Marriage makes our relationships and families equal, not lesser than. Marriage, not civil unions, protects our lives, our families, our children, our health our financial security and helps end the misinformation, discrimination and demonization by a group of our own fellow Americans.
Adding to all of our own community’s confusion is the compounded confusion and continued battle of millions of Americans who don’t understand the difference between a civil union and a marriage and have no idea what marriage equality means. Others do not understand the difference between the civil right of marriage, the religious rite of marriage and the “political right” of marriage discrimination.
Plain and simple, a Marriage is a social union or legal contract between people – that establishes rights and obligations between the two spouses. Marriage in the United States was a carryover from our European ancestors and was primarily an economic arrangement negotiated between families in which family considerations of status, future economic stability, and prosperity were the most important considerations. Through our history, it has evolved and most Americans consider the primary purpose of marriage to be a commitment to the emotional and psychological support between two individuals.
Marriage in the United States has taken a long and complex journey through its own legal, moral, religiously influenced and political twists and turns to either discriminate or ultimately- make all people equal. Like our own human evolution, marriage has evolved.
Did you know that before 1662, there was no penalty for interracial marriages in any of the British colonies in North America, but by the 1920s, 38 states prohibited interracial marriage? This was changed, federally in 1967. Women were property and in 1848, New York became the first state to pass the Married Woman’s Property Act, guaranteeing the right of married women to own property. Throughout most of the 19th century, the minimum age of consent for sexual intercourse in most American states was 10 years of age?! In 1978, New York became the first state to outlaw rape in marriage. By 1990, only a total of ten states outlawed rape in marriage. In thirty-six states rape in marriage was a crime only in certain circumstances.
I could dive deeper into writing the history and changes and rights of marriage through the ages and where and when religion became involved- and overly concerned and destructive in the civil right of marriage (not just gay), but at the end of the day, we all have to admit that this progress in the rights of marriage indicates the advancement of us as human beings.
Gay marriage is nothing new and has a long history beyond the debated subject that it is today. Studies reveal that same sex relationships have enjoyed freedom in the past. In Mesopotamia- there is a tomb for a gay couple which means that the kingdom recognized their union. There are examples of gay marriages across the ages and even Plato wrote about such unions in ‘Symposium’. In many artworks of antiquity, same-sex interactions were depicted with equal status as opposite sex relationships. Gay marriage was not just about gender, but also about character, excellence, beauty, and love. In the social customs of the Romans, marriage between men was common. Before someone writes me about the fall of the Roman Empire- you should also read the 12 year Catholic and Orthodox archive search by Yale history professor John Boswell that discovered a type of Christian gay “marriage” which existed as late as the 18th century. St Serge and St Bacchus were two Roman soldiers who became Christian martyrs. “Severus of Antioch in the sixth century explained that “we should not separate in speech [Serge and Bacchus] who were joined in life”. More bluntly, in the definitive 10th century Greek account of their lives, St Serge is openly described as the “sweet companion and lover” of St Bacchus.”
What has changed? Nothing about marriage has changed through the ages. Commitment is the foundation. Marriage is the commitment to a partner in life and a family born out of that love. Marriage is the very public commitment to protect it, to love it without fail and to watch it flourish for the betterment of humanity. Any member of humanity should embrace that.
All of us must march off to a governmental agency to get our license (our right) to marry- gay or straight. Some of us may choose a spiritual celebration while others may choose to have a religious ceremony (the rite) to solemnize that love, but there are some who will continue their path of righteousness across the very foundation of what marriage is ultimately about- commitment to love, to family, to country and to our humanity.
In 1983, Pat Benatar sung “Love is a Battlefield.” That same year, a 3rd year student at Harvard Law School, Evan Wolfson (Freedom to Marry founder) wrote one of the earliest and most influential – cases for “why the freedom to marry is important and how winning marriage for same-sex couples will signal a broader path to equality for gay and lesbian Americans.” The published paper was titled “Same Sex Marriage and Morality: The Human Rights Vision of the Constitution.” It’s a long read at 141 pages, but even Wolfson quotes from Plato’s Symposium, “w’llerever it has been established that it is shameful [to be involved in same sex relations], this is due to evil on the part of the legislators, to despotism on the part of the rulers and to cowardice on the part of the government” Wolfson continues, “add in ignorance, bigotry, socialization and fear and the correlation still stands.”
30 years later, it continues…Love isn’t easy. Equality isn’t easy. Civil Rights aren’t easy, but we know that already, we are survivors.
“We are strong no one can tell us we’re wrong, searching our hearts for so long, both of us knowing love is a battlefield.” Holly Knight and Mike Chapman
Battle on my friends.
A World of Endless Possibilities 